Stoner Jargon
by suspect tomatoes
Summary: This is your initiation, so please step up to the G Station. Edge, Christian, Jericho, Cody, Ted and Ledgeacy. One-shot.


**A/N: As I start writing this, Edge's theme song comes on. Oh, holy day.**

Cody usually enjoyed being blind-folded and tied up, but not when it was done by someone he didn't know. It was even scarier when he had been bombarded in his own hotel room, having just innocently opened the door to a couple of impatient knocks. But he soon found himself sacked onto his bed, where two guys he barely caught glimpses of tied a black sash over his eyes, while his arms were wrenched painfully behind his back.

They picked him up and carried him off, and he couldn't even leave a note for Becky.

He worried the entire way, after his attackers had thrown him into the trunk of a car and sped out of the parking lot, about Becky, because he knew she was going to get antsy if he wasn't there on time. He was going to miss their daily routine, where he went down to the work-out room and worked out while she just stared and drooled and made noises. She would be devastated if he wasn't back in time.

The car came to a rough stop, and Cody flew into the back of the trunk. It hurt like hell, especially since his hands were at a weird angle, but he suddenly felt cool air. He was wrenched out with no remorse and the trunk slammed behind him.

"Was this really necessary?" he heard someone whisper.

"Shut up! We're not inside yet."

Cody heard a door open, and then footsteps on hardwood floors. There was another door, then hard thumps against creaky stairs. His head rapped against the wall when they went around a corner.

"Just put him there," the second guy said. "Where's Jay?"

"He was on a mission to hunt down Ted." The first guy dropped Cody onto, what felt like, a soft, plush couch. Cody nearly suffocated until they turned him over, taking the blindfold off efficiently.

Cody blinked up at them. "You've gotta be kidding me."

"You're here because we have a very important meeting that's taking place." Chris rolled up the sleeves of his black shirt. "We'll commence once Father Reso gets back."

Cody struggled against the ropes. "Was this necessary?"

"No one can know about this," Adam hissed. "You're being inducted into a very secret society, and the only way we can keep it a secret is if you can keep your lispy trap shut."

"Will you at least untie me?"

Adam shook his head, mouth open to say something, but then he heard footsteps upstairs. He looked at Chris. "I think Jay's back."

"Guys, I need help!" came Jay's disgruntled voice. "Oh, _shoot_!"

There was a series of thumps, like a sled going down the stairs, and then Ted DiBiase crumbled at their feet, unconscious.

Chris's eyes bugged out. "_Jay_! Are you _retarded_?"

Jay stepped on Ted's foot, side-stepping it awkwardly. He looked at his friends. "What?"

"This is his_ dad_!" Chris covered his face. "Can't you do anything right?"

"_Hey_! You said _Ted DiBiase_. There was no _Junior_ in the note."

"Why would we _ever_ hang out with DiBiase _Senior_?"

Jay lifted his hands. "Oh, I don't know. He has a great _laugh_?"

"Forget it," Adam stepped in. "Just call Kaitlyn or Mack. They can swing by the hotel and pick Junior up."

Chris got on his phone right away while Adam just glared at Jay.

Jay glared back. "_What_?"

"You're a fucking retard."

"So sue me." Jay tripped over Ted's head, falling right into Adam's chest. He looked up at him awkwardly and stepped past.

"All right, they're on their way," Chris said, turning back to them.

"What do we do with him?" Adam asked. He pointed at Cody.

Chris flapped his hand. "Fuck him. We'll deal with him when they get here. Wanna beer?"

Both Canadians agreed and side-stepped the unconscious Ted DiBiase Sr. on the floor to follow Chris upstairs, leaving Cody all alone in the dark.

* * *

"Sorry we're late, we had a hard time fitting DiBiase's fat ass in the trunk."

"My ass isn't fat, it's shapely," Ted drawled angrily, eyes still covered. "And I know it's you, MacKenzie, I can tell by the stoner jargon."

"Jargon? What the hell language are you speaking?" Mack and Kaitlyn hoisted DiBiase and let him drop right on top of Cody.

Adam stepped up. "You know, we could take some pictures right now and make good money off of them."

"We don't have _time_ for that!" Chris yelled. "Our initiation was due over an hour ago!"

Cody glared at them over Ted's shoulder. "We're not performing some Satanic ritual, are we?"

"I love the fact that he's perfectly comfortable talking to us with DiBiase's fat ass on top of him," Mack smiled.

"My. Ass. Isn't. _Fat_!"

"Whatever Deebs, you've got junk in the trunk." Mack slapped it hard, letting out a raspy laugh when Teddy jerked against Cody. "Oh, God, that's so awkward."

Cody shimmied slightly. "Jesus Christ, get him off of me!"

"You want to get him off, Cody?"

"_MacKenzie_!"

"All right, all right." Mack grabbed Ted's shoulder and pulled, slamming him onto the floor. She glanced at Chris and Adam. "I think we can untie them now, don't you?"

Chris nodded solemnly. "Untie them. I'll get the preparations ready."

Kait bent down and untied Ted's blindfold, then worked on the ropes around his wrists. "Sorry about dragging your head against the ground earlier, but you're really heavy, so—"

"What the_ hell_ is _that_?" Teddy demanded, accent thick.

Kait looked up. "What?"

Ted got to his feet. "Why the hell is my father lying unconscious on Chris's basement floor?"

"Oh." Mack looked up from Cody's ties. "Jay got the wrong one. That's why we had to come get you instead of him."

"Why is he _unconscious_?"

"Jay pushed him down the stairs."

"_What_—!"

"Acci_dent_ally," Kait defended.

"We gotta get him to a hospital!"

"He's fine," Mack snorted. "Calm your fat ass, Deebs."

"Stop calling me Deebs." Ted turned away, hands on his hips. He looked over his shoulder. "And my ass isn't fat."

"Yo ass is phat with a PH, HOLLA!" Mack yelled, waving her hand around.

Kaitlyn laughed loudly. "_Brooklyn, Brooklyn_!"

"You guys aren't stoned already, are you?" Chris asked impatiently, bursting through the curtains covering the doorway he came through. "That wasn't part of the plan."

"We're always stoned, man," Mack rasped.

"Oh, forget it. If they're ready, bring them in."

Mack stood up and wrenched Cody off the couch, pushing him into the secret room Chris had just gone back through. Kait followed with Ted, Adam and Jay in tow.

Chris was sitting cross-legged around a round coffee table, eyes closed and hands pressed together in prayer, a Viking hat resting upon his golden hair.

"What's going on?" Cody whispered.

Mack shushed him.

Chris opened his arms wide. "You may all be seated."

Everyone sat down mechanically, taking the same position Chris was in. Cody and Ted looked around curiously as everyone bent their heads and stayed silent.

"Conform, young ones," Chris said peacefully, eyes still closed.

Cody and Ted awkwardly cleared their throats and closed their eyes, too.

Chris let out a long breath and then lit some incense, wafting it into tendrils above his head. He stood slowly and went over to the radio, where he turned on _The Doors_. Jim Morrison's mystical voice melted into the air.

He then flounced around them, spinning on his feet, letting the incense float behind like a ribbon.

Cody opened one eye and snorted.

Adam elbowed him.

Chris came back to his earlier position and kissed the mat in front of him, making insane hand gestures before he lifted his head.

Everyone followed, opening their eyes sleepily.

"We welcome our possible admittances to the Cannabis Circle. Please state your name, young ones."

Cody and Ted looked at each other.

"Uh, Cody Rhodes," Cody said uncertainly.

"Ted DiB—"

"No nicknames," Chris put in serenely.

Ted cleared his throat. "Oh. Theodore DiBiase Junior."

Chris nodded, and everyone followed suit. He spread his arms. "Welcome, young learners, to the Cannabis Circle. You're planning on joining the Canadian sect. Why have you chosen to do so?"

Cody was about to say something, but Ted held up his hand. "If you don't mind, Cody, I'd like to speak for both of us and say we were forced to come here."

"Ah. Recruiters." Chris smiled, closing his eyes. "The blood of pure lambs spills at our feet as we offer these souls up."

"Whoa, whoa, there will be no _souls_ being offered up—"

"_Silence_!" Chris roared.

Cody crossed his arms angrily.

Chris turned to Jay. "Would you get the Box of New Beginnings, Father Reso?"

Jay nodded and got up, pulling out a dusty container from beside Chris's infamous Toking Couch. He sat beside him again and put the box in the middle of the table.

"Young ones," Chris started sweetly, "reach your uncertain hands into this box and pull out your new lives. Young Rhodes may go first."

Cody looked at Ted, then slowly reached up, putting his hand inside the box. He pulled something long and furry out.

Adam started sneezing.

"Ah." Chris took it gently, running his hands over the soft fur. "The Cheshire Cat's tail. A promising example of the power of hallucination. Stand up, Young Rhodes."

Adam sneezed and sneezed and sneezed.

Chris held the tail out. "As I attach this unbreakable bond to your soul, do you accept the responsible as the Cheshire Cat, and everything that it represents?"

Cody shrugged. "Sure."

"Please turn around."

Cody spun, yelping when Chris snagged his belt loop. "What the hell are you doing!"

"Just attaching your soul to your new life," he said simply. The tail swung from Cody's pants when he turned back around.

Chris sat down again. "You may sit, Young Rhodes."

Adam got up, holding his nose, and moved between Jay and Mack. "I'm allergic to cats," he explained.

"No one's judging you, Father Copeland." Chris turned to Ted. "You may take your life in your hands, Young DiBiase."

Ted rolled his eyes and went into the box quickly, sitting up to get a better look.

Out of nowhere, Chris snapped a long stick against Ted's knuckles. "You do not _look_ into the Box of New Beginnings! Your mortal eyes cannot handle what lay within, it is your _soul_ that picks your choice. Do you want to cause a catastrophic vortex between both worlds?"

Ted held his bleeding knuckles. "I'll cause a catastrophic vortex in your _face_ if you hit me with that again."

Cody nudged him. "Just humor them," he whispered.

Ted glared at Cody before he looked at the ceiling, reaching into the box blindly. He pulled out a forest green hat, similar to an elf's.

"Ah, interesting choice, Young DiBiase. Peter Pan's Hat of Youth. The strongest connection between us, it is the glue that keeps our minds open to the other side. Stand up, Young DiBiase."

Ted reluctantly complied.

"Please bend forward."

"What the _hell_ are you planning on—"

Chris grabbed his head and tugged it down. He held the hat over it. "Do you accept the responsibility of Peter Pan's Hat of Youth, the sole binder of everything that we believe in?"

"Yeah," Ted groused.

Chris placed it gently upon his head. He turned to everyone else. "You may now put on your own symbols of life as we begin this slow and efficient initiation."

Mack pulled out a pair of Buddy Holly glasses, while Adam placed a giant foam Cowboy hat on his head. Kaitlyn put an oversized, aquamarine relic around her neck while Jay tugged a sailor hat over his hair.

Chris moved over to the couch. "Please bring the virgins over."

Ted and Cody exchanged glances. "Who you callin' a virgin?" Ted asked.

"Do not question him," Mack stated simply. She pushed them over there.

Chris motioned to the cushions. "Sit, Young Ones. You will soon be transported throughout time and space to connect your heavenly soul to that of your earthly body."

Cody and Ted sat down uncertainly, glancing around as everyone joined hands in a circle in front of them.

Chris waved some incense over their heads. "Please bind these virgins to the ever sacred art of the Cannabis Circle, and to all those who join in this ceremony today. We are forever a family in this circle of cosmic thought."

"What do you think they're going to do to us?" Ted whispered.

"I don't know," Cody whimpered. "But I'm really freaked out."

* * *

Becky let herself into Chris's house, frowning at the darkness. The man didn't believe in electricity. He never turned anything on, even at night. She wondered how he got around without breaking something.

She flipped on the light and looked throughout the empty house. "Guys? Are you here?"

Becky heard the thumps to the beginning of "Not to Touch the Earth" resonating from the vents leading to the basement.

_Of course_.

Cody and Ted's initiation! How could she forget? She should've remembered when she got back to the hotel, hoping to find Cody already working out, but instead met nothing but emptiness.

How could she have been so stupid?

She opened the door and went down, peering over the railing to the secret room Chris always blazed it, thick, gray smoke billowing around the sides of the curtains.

"Ah!" she yelled, when she tripped on something. She glanced down and saw Ted's father staring back at her.

This was _way _weirder than her induction.

She pushed open the curtains and immediately got a contact high. She could barely see anything, but as the smoke cleared and her eyes adjusted, she could make out Cody's distinct form.

Chris, Jay and Adam were clapping rhythmically to the music as Ted and Cody hopped around, eyes closed, letting their limbs flow with the tune. There were ribbons in their hands, the long tendrils floating around them mystically.

Mack was slumped in the corner, eyes closed.

Becky fell next to her, putting on her own life symbol, a pair of 3-D glasses. "How much did they smoke?"

Mack lifted her head. "Hum?"

"They pulled G's," Kait answered, joining them. "Well, Cody pulled about halfway and then passed it off to Ted."

"They _shared_ a G?"

"I know, pretty gay, huh?"

"It wouldn't be the first gay thing they've done."

Ted held Cody's hand as Cody flitted around him, theirs ribbons intertwining.

Becky just shook her head. "And it won't be the last."

**A/N: I... ugh. If you can't tell, I'm never sober. Review.**


End file.
